Building a relationship of trust: as dental specialists we continually work on building a relationship with the dentists that refer to our offices. This is an opportunity that we refine, rework, and reapply over the period of years. However, when it comes to patients, we have a very limited opportunity to establish a relationship of trust. The building of this relationship can start as early as the referring dentist's chair or as late as the specialist's chair. Below are some tips about building a relationship of trust with your dentists and patients, and how Engage Dental offers the tools to make that happen.
Since we are talking about building a relationship of trust, we should assume that one does not already exist between the specialist and the patient. In the case of endodontists there are five reasons why a patient may not already trust you:
1. Root canals hurt.
2. Root canals are expensive.
3. It's too inconvenient to go to another doctor.
4. My dentist can do root canals.
5. All endodontists are the same.
Below I will touch on these five items, and how the tools offered by Engage Dental will help the dental specialist to connect with doctors, patients, and the community and engage them in a relationship of trust that will bring a more confident, calm, and trusting patient to your chair.
1. Root canals hurt.
The primary motivating factor for the majority of patients is pain. If they think that a root canal is going to be painful, they will go to anyone who can prevent it from being so. Face it, you love it when you have finished treatment and your patient says, "Wow! That was great! And it didn't hurt either." It's a message that you love to hear, and most of the time you register it, say thank you, and move on to the next patient. When that happens, you have just let your new best advocate walk out your door without harvesting the fruit of your skill and effort. You hope that they will spread the word (especially to the referring doctor), but you have no way to assure that the feeling of that moment is captured and shared with everyone they know.
Your outgoing message should primarily address or recognize that treatment in your office does not hurt. However, patients will not trust your word as much as the testimonial of other patients. When your patient makes a comment about how painless treatment really was, you should identify that the reason is because of your experience, training, and caring, then follow-up and ask them to do a review using one of the many options available in the world of social media.
At Engage Dental we will incorporate methods of garnering reviews and feedback from any of the available resources on the web. One way we have implemented this in our office, Elm Endodontics, is to create an online survey that we email to the patient. At the end of the appointment I tell the patient that we will be sending them a survey, and that we would appreciate them leaving comments for future patients to help reduce any anxieties they may have about their future appointment. Before the patient leaves the office staff at the front desk also remind them of the survey and our appreciation of their review.
At the end of the survey patients have the option of going to a review site of our choosing. This can be the client's own website, Yelp!, Google Places, Dr. Oogle, or Facebook. The patients' words, "It didn't hurt." Have more value to future patients than anything else that could be said. Don't let those opportunities disappear by using the power of your website to capture what your patients have to say.
2. Root canals are expensive.
The second motivating factor is cost. This is where the patient's insurance comes into play. Your message should communicate that there is value in what you provide. Value means that the treatment will ultimately cost them less whether you are in-network with their insurance or not. There is no one item to communicate this value. IF the patient makes it to your chair, sees your office, sees your equipment, feels your compassion, and understands your experience, they may understand the value of your services. However, we are trying to establish this relationship of trust before they even arrive. What you really want the patient to say is, "Yeah yeah. I already know all that from your website. Let's get on with it." Below are a few ideas of how your website can communicate this value prior to the patient's initial contact with your office.
Discussing re-treatment cases on your website may lead patients to understand that not all root canal treatment is equal. If you are seen as someone who has great experience in fixing problems associated with endodontic treatment, then you are also likely good at not creating them in the first place. We encourage the use of your blog to convey this message. Posting to your blog is as simple as writing the content, preparing the graphic elements, and emailing these items to us. From there Engage Dental will take care of the rest by posting to your blog. You don't have time to organize and optimize so we do that for you. Making you look good and be optimized for search engines is our goal. Many companies will provide you with a blog for your site, but Engage Dental is unmatched in their blog posting service.
Use your financial policy area to discuss how you charge for services. In my office we don't try to charge for every available code. We charge for treatment and a filling. If no treatment was rendered then we usually charge an exam fee. Patients who go to an in-network provider may pay less per procedure, but may also be charged for the exam, an x-ray, an additional x-ray, pulp vitality testing, complication fees, and finally the treatment fee. I feel that my office is fair and straightforward in how it charges for services. Discussing this difference can help patients feel better about coming to your office out-of-network. All Engage Dental sites integrate a patient registration module to guide patients through the most important pieces of information before coming to the office. This area is a good place to discuss this aspect of your service.
Overall Wow! If your site is generally impressive, you may not need to say any of these things directly. The patient will likely be quickly convinced that you are the doctor to see. The sites at Engage Dental are visually striking, easy to navigate, and filled with quality content. These factors all contribute to convincing the patient that although you may cost a little more, you clearly stand above the competition.
3. It's too inconvenient to go to another doctor.
The third factor that may prevent a patient from establishing trust with your office is inconvenience. No one wants to drive to a new location, fill out new paperwork, and meet a new doctor. It's a hassle that requires coaxing by the referring doctor to get the patient to go. There are two tools that can help motivate the patient to overcome the inconvenience barrier: their doctor and your ability to communicate your message through your website and social media.
If the referring doctor is sold on your services, then they will have little difficulty in selling their patient on seeking your services. Your marketing efforts in this department should be directed at the dentist in a way that educates them on the convenience and efficiency of your services. This can be done with thorough communication with the general dentists in your community about what you do. Take time to complete detailed reports with photos and labels, which will be the first indicator about the quality of your care. Reinforce that message with testimonials from your patients that are either written or produced on video. If your patients leave comments on your Facebook page or on review sites, be sure to direct the attention of your general dentists to what their patients are saying. It won't be long before the patients' words become the doctors' message to convince the patient to see you over any other endodontist in the area. Engage Dental produces visually appealing electronic newsletters with powerful email campaigns that use content from your site to show your doctors that you care and that you are competent.
One of my favorite doctors sends his patients from a great distance, past three other endodontic offices and out of network from their insurance to seek care in my office. Before his patients even arrive at my office, they are convinced that I am the best and that their treatment will not hurt. They are willing to accept the inconvenience because their dentist has sold them on specialty endodontic care in our office. We cannot sit back and hope this message gets across to the referring dentist. The documentation power of our office software combined with the use of email, our website, social media and service review sites all make it simple to send the message of your choice to your referring doctors.
In addition, if patients clue in to your website and your social media presence, they will be further convinced that the effort to go to a specialist is worth it. This is especially true if they have heard it from friends on social media such as Facebook. When they see a post from their co-worker that says, "I had a root canal at Elm Endodontics, and it was great... and it didn't hurt." They will remember that message even months down the road when it's time for their root canal. This becomes even more powerful if their post generates a discussion.
4. My dentist can do root canals.
The fourth factor that may prevent a patient from seeking care in your office is the idea that their general dentist can do it. To break this guessing machine you will need to contrast what makes you different than their dentist. Is it your skill? Your equipment? Your patience? Your gentle touch? The patient needs to know they should seek specialty instead of general care.
We have attempted to send this message by discussing root canal re-treatment on our website. There are several case reports of why root canals fail, and how specialty care fixed the problem. The underlying message however is, "This mis-treatment never should have happened in the first place if the patient had sought treatment from the right endodontist."
In addition, their general dentist with the proper education will learn that they shouldn't be doing many of the treatments that they are doing. The more you engage these dentists and expose them to the level of care that a microscope and CBCT equipped endodontist can offer, the honest dentists will quickly come to the understanding that they cannot perform at that level and will begin referring patients.
The old way to accomplish this was to print some newsletters and mail or personally deliver them to targeted general dentists. The new and better way is to allow Engage Dental to generate digital newsletters that bring the dentists to your website where they can view specific cases, and where they can find interest in many other complex cases as well. This task becomes easier the more you engage them on forums such as Facebook, Twitter, and email.
5. All endodontists are the same.
I believe the final obstacle to trust that may keep a patient from seeking care in your office is that you are no different than any other endodontist. If their dentist hasn't told them otherwise, then they are left to their own resources to discover who to go to. In my area there are several dentists that hand the patient a list of multiple endodontists and let the patient choose. If that patient decides to do a little research and look you up online, they will choose the one with the most attractive message. The better your website and your on-line social presence, the more likely you are to attract that patient.
The better your website and online social presence, the more likely you are to attract that patient.
I have had several friends get referred by their dentist to a different endodontist, and yet they have ended up in my chair. Why is that? It is because they know me and trust me. If patients can get to know you before they meet you, then they will trust you more than a faceless specialist. They can do this by looking over your Facebook page, reviewing your Twitter posts, or by watching a video of you if you have taken the time to make one. All of these efforts build an online presence that helps you establish a relationship of trust before you even meet the patient.
One of my first goals with my website was to create a video so that patients can meet me before they ever come to the office. I was banking on the assumption that if they met me online they would like me and arrive at the office more at ease. I no longer get the statement, "Wow! You look like you're twelve years old." They've already had a chance to think it, accept it, and move on. It's one less obstacle of trust that I need to overcome. Even better than a video about myself would be a video from patients about their experience - that is coming next!
Engage Dental provides multiple tools and visually powerful options to display video on your site. Assuming you come across well on camera, taking the time to produce a video will work wonders for your relationships with your patients and doctors.
If you have taken some of the recommended efforts to reach out to dentists in your area and engage them personally or online, then they are more likely to encourage the patient to seek care in your office rather than a different endodontist. In other words, convince the dentist and you've convinced the patient. If the patient isn't yet convinced, then your website should seal the deal. We would all love to be able to build these relationships in a personal face-to-face manner, but the reality is that we do not have the time to do so. Social networking and social media have made it possible to build these relationships in less time and with potentially less effort than we could in the past. Social media is not a matter of gimmicks, but simply a tool to enhance your referral relationships. Embrace these tools, and your dentists will embrace your message that their patients are better off in your office. Let the staff at Engage Dental help you build these relationships.
Rabu, 27 September 2017
Senin, 11 September 2017
Books About Relationships - How Do You Find the Best?
People often seek out books about relationships to find answers to their relationship challenges rather than waiting for an appointment with a relationship therapist.
However, not all relationship advice e-books offer the same effective techniques, and not every one gives a well laid out plan that really helps. Relationships are quite complex below the surface and due to that fact not many people out there realize on a conscious level exactly how complex they can be. Love and relationships are not an exact science, and care needs to be taken to select the best e-book to meet your exact situation.
For all of that, imagine how easily you can download, read and get techniques you use do this very day to start getting your ex back.
There are many books about relationships available, and they can help you if you know how to choose the best one for your situation. Choosing a good relationship book should be something you really take the time to think about and put some effort into. You will need to invest some time and mental energy to find the best e-book, but in the end, your efforts will be rewarded, as you will be able to get the best book for your money, and will be able to use it to improve your relationship.
You can find lots of books about relationships on the market and e-books on internet, but unfortunately most of them have been written by people who have not gone through the experience, so their advice is often very generic and simplistic.
The recommendations they finally give are often useless and vague, and you feel no closer to surviving a breakup than you did before you started reading. With many of these digital books you find the advice they give in many pages could really be written in one page. Many of them are useless as they are written by people who haven't experienced what you have and are designed to suck you in at your most vulnerable time.
So, how do you find good e-books, ones that will give you the confidence of knowing that if you follow them you will get the results you want?
Here are a few tips you can use when searching for help with your relationships:
First of all, pay little attention to all of those fancy letters after the authors name. Some people seem to think that just because the authors have a degree attached to their names that it makes them experts in relationships. Although these initials will give you an idea of all the studies this person has, it is not indicative of their expertise in these matters. The best thing to do is to go for a book written by an author who knows all about these things "first hand". This means that either they have been through these sorts of problems and have overcome all the difficulties, or they have helped lots of people to do it.
Secondly, seek out unbiased reviews of books about relationships online. Noticed I, deliberately, said 'unbiased' reviews, because, unfortunately many reviews are far from unbiased and are structured only to lead you to buy the e-book of the authors choosing. The way to overcome this is to look for evenness across the reviews, and reviews that point out both the pro's and the cons of the product.
However, not all relationship advice e-books offer the same effective techniques, and not every one gives a well laid out plan that really helps. Relationships are quite complex below the surface and due to that fact not many people out there realize on a conscious level exactly how complex they can be. Love and relationships are not an exact science, and care needs to be taken to select the best e-book to meet your exact situation.
For all of that, imagine how easily you can download, read and get techniques you use do this very day to start getting your ex back.
There are many books about relationships available, and they can help you if you know how to choose the best one for your situation. Choosing a good relationship book should be something you really take the time to think about and put some effort into. You will need to invest some time and mental energy to find the best e-book, but in the end, your efforts will be rewarded, as you will be able to get the best book for your money, and will be able to use it to improve your relationship.
You can find lots of books about relationships on the market and e-books on internet, but unfortunately most of them have been written by people who have not gone through the experience, so their advice is often very generic and simplistic.
The recommendations they finally give are often useless and vague, and you feel no closer to surviving a breakup than you did before you started reading. With many of these digital books you find the advice they give in many pages could really be written in one page. Many of them are useless as they are written by people who haven't experienced what you have and are designed to suck you in at your most vulnerable time.
So, how do you find good e-books, ones that will give you the confidence of knowing that if you follow them you will get the results you want?
Here are a few tips you can use when searching for help with your relationships:
First of all, pay little attention to all of those fancy letters after the authors name. Some people seem to think that just because the authors have a degree attached to their names that it makes them experts in relationships. Although these initials will give you an idea of all the studies this person has, it is not indicative of their expertise in these matters. The best thing to do is to go for a book written by an author who knows all about these things "first hand". This means that either they have been through these sorts of problems and have overcome all the difficulties, or they have helped lots of people to do it.
Secondly, seek out unbiased reviews of books about relationships online. Noticed I, deliberately, said 'unbiased' reviews, because, unfortunately many reviews are far from unbiased and are structured only to lead you to buy the e-book of the authors choosing. The way to overcome this is to look for evenness across the reviews, and reviews that point out both the pro's and the cons of the product.
Senin, 28 Agustus 2017
The Magic of Making Up Review or Save My Marriage Review
The principles, advice and techniques set out in The Magic of Making Up has been put to use by hundreds of men and women to win back the heart, soul and mind of the ones they love. The book in this save my marriage review teaches readers how to recapture the romance they had when their love was new. Author TW Jackson argues that this is not impossible once you learned the magic of Pattern Breaking and combine it with other laid out techniques.
Readers of the book in this save my relationship review are also provided with tips on how to diffuse arguments before they start. If you are afraid that you will start fighting again once you are back together, all you need to know is that it just takes one person to successfully prevent this. This technique is said to work so well that you may even swear that it was all magic! The book in this save my marriage review gives women advice to ensure that your ex is not able to get you out of his mind as you are able to figure out how men are wired. Within no time, you will be able to have your ex calling you again and even get shocked by his complete transformation.
The Magic of Making Up is without a doubt better than other books on the market including Pull Your Ex Back and How To Get Your Ex Back Now because it retails at a mere $99 but is on sale for an amazing $39! The good news is that if you order the book in this save my marriage today review and for some reason it just doesn't work for you, you are liable for a refund within 56 days of your purchase. Unlike other similar products which may be free, The Magic of Making Up provides readers with the whole picture which will help you really understand what you are doing in order to improve your chances rather than hurting them.
If anything you can almost sum up what this books competition charges readers for in just a couple of sentences. This is because most of these other books tell you the same thing in just a different way. In short, this includes advice against contacting your ex for 30 day periods and instead taking that 30 day period to work on yourself. What's more, this is laid out as the cure all for each and every situation, with some books using up 50 pages to say it, but without equipping you with the tools that you really need.
Readers of the book in this save my relationship review are also provided with tips on how to diffuse arguments before they start. If you are afraid that you will start fighting again once you are back together, all you need to know is that it just takes one person to successfully prevent this. This technique is said to work so well that you may even swear that it was all magic! The book in this save my marriage review gives women advice to ensure that your ex is not able to get you out of his mind as you are able to figure out how men are wired. Within no time, you will be able to have your ex calling you again and even get shocked by his complete transformation.
The Magic of Making Up is without a doubt better than other books on the market including Pull Your Ex Back and How To Get Your Ex Back Now because it retails at a mere $99 but is on sale for an amazing $39! The good news is that if you order the book in this save my marriage today review and for some reason it just doesn't work for you, you are liable for a refund within 56 days of your purchase. Unlike other similar products which may be free, The Magic of Making Up provides readers with the whole picture which will help you really understand what you are doing in order to improve your chances rather than hurting them.
If anything you can almost sum up what this books competition charges readers for in just a couple of sentences. This is because most of these other books tell you the same thing in just a different way. In short, this includes advice against contacting your ex for 30 day periods and instead taking that 30 day period to work on yourself. What's more, this is laid out as the cure all for each and every situation, with some books using up 50 pages to say it, but without equipping you with the tools that you really need.
Kamis, 17 Agustus 2017
Overcoming Insecurity - How to Overcome Insecurity in Relationships for Women
Insecurities are something that grips us all at some point in our lives. Being insecure is normal if you are being treated badly, someone lies or cheats. After this happens you feel the least confident in yourself. No one goes into a relationship thinking that they are going to be insecure, but somehow it shows up and it can get pretty worrisome for you and your partner. There are some typical signs of being insecure, often times you think that things are just too good to be true or you feel that you are undeserving of someone this good and your insecurities manifest into self-sabotage. Let's discuss some common insecurities and ways to overcome them.
Usually when anxiety sets in you become worried about problems and begin to create problems where there are none at all. This time is called real versus fake. During this time you must distinguish what are the real problems and what you have created in your head. Usually when you look for problems, you tend to find exactly what you are looking for regardless if there is an issue or not. Be consciously aware of your tendency to do this and stop imagining and focus on reality. Try to make time to journal your thoughts of what's real and what's fake, being able to recognize what you are doing is a tremendous step toward self-awareness.
Don't try to read his mind and manufacture what he is thinking. This is a sure fire way to increase your anxiety level. If your partner says he'd rather hang out with his friends on Monday night to catch a football game, don't try to interpret what he said to mean that he does not want to spend time with you, because odds are even if he said nothing you would interpret that to mean something too. We all desire to have space and time with our thoughts and a sure fire way to have someone push away from you further is to constantly try to read their mind. By not doing this you will signify to him that you respect his privacy and boundaries with his own thoughts.
Have you ever met someone that instantly reminded you of someone else, so that person never stood a chance? If you do this in your current relationship, you will not find happiness or stability. If your past relationships were dishonest and abusive the tendency to be defensive and guarded in your new relationship is inevitable, even though your new partner may be nothing like your old partner. If you find that you are comparing old versus new partner, try to make a list of the negative aspects of your past relationship and then make a list of positive aspects of your new relationship. Review the list often and refer to it to remind you that your past does not have to define your future.
Focus on the good things in your relationship not the bad things. When you begin to feel anxious you tend to focus on the bad things and forget to take notice of all the good things that are happening around you. Notably, there will be ups and downs, there are in life and there will be in your relationship. Once you relax and recognize that being in a relationship is fun and exciting part of your life, you will see significant changes in your level of insecurity. There is no reason to be insecure if your relationship is truly good and your partner is loving, supportive and is fostering a healthy union with you.
Usually when anxiety sets in you become worried about problems and begin to create problems where there are none at all. This time is called real versus fake. During this time you must distinguish what are the real problems and what you have created in your head. Usually when you look for problems, you tend to find exactly what you are looking for regardless if there is an issue or not. Be consciously aware of your tendency to do this and stop imagining and focus on reality. Try to make time to journal your thoughts of what's real and what's fake, being able to recognize what you are doing is a tremendous step toward self-awareness.
Don't try to read his mind and manufacture what he is thinking. This is a sure fire way to increase your anxiety level. If your partner says he'd rather hang out with his friends on Monday night to catch a football game, don't try to interpret what he said to mean that he does not want to spend time with you, because odds are even if he said nothing you would interpret that to mean something too. We all desire to have space and time with our thoughts and a sure fire way to have someone push away from you further is to constantly try to read their mind. By not doing this you will signify to him that you respect his privacy and boundaries with his own thoughts.
Have you ever met someone that instantly reminded you of someone else, so that person never stood a chance? If you do this in your current relationship, you will not find happiness or stability. If your past relationships were dishonest and abusive the tendency to be defensive and guarded in your new relationship is inevitable, even though your new partner may be nothing like your old partner. If you find that you are comparing old versus new partner, try to make a list of the negative aspects of your past relationship and then make a list of positive aspects of your new relationship. Review the list often and refer to it to remind you that your past does not have to define your future.
Focus on the good things in your relationship not the bad things. When you begin to feel anxious you tend to focus on the bad things and forget to take notice of all the good things that are happening around you. Notably, there will be ups and downs, there are in life and there will be in your relationship. Once you relax and recognize that being in a relationship is fun and exciting part of your life, you will see significant changes in your level of insecurity. There is no reason to be insecure if your relationship is truly good and your partner is loving, supportive and is fostering a healthy union with you.
Kamis, 27 Juli 2017
This Is a Save My Marriage Today Review on The Magic of Making Up
What makes The Magic of Making Up different from other similar eBooks such as Pull Your Ex Back and How to Get Your Ex Back Now is the fact that the reader is well equipped with skills to make them happier and be able to enjoy the rest of their lives with the person that they really love. The book in this save my marriage review advices against waiting too long because the longer you wait, the harder it becomes to get your ex back because "time is the soil in which their indifference towards you will grow". And it is their indifference and not their hate towards you that you should be most worried about.
Unlike other books which claim to provide guaranteed ways of bringing your ex-lover back into your life, The Magic of Making Up actually delivers on this problem. This eBook in this save my marriage today review equips readers with some rare secrets to enable them to prevent a break up or a divorce, and get their ex back - no matter how impossible the situation may seem. The author in this save my marriage today review contends that the techniques set out in this book are rather unconventional but they nevertheless work in getting your ex-lover back in your arms even if you are the only one putting in the effort.
It is quick, safe and reliable to get your hands on the eBook in this save my relationship review because all you need to do is click on the order button, place your order and download it to get started. The techniques outlined here are aimed at enabling readers to regain control of their love and life - and all for a mere $39. Various online payment methods are available including Visa, MasterCard, Diners Club and PayPal. This gives the reader instant access to The Magic of Making Up - 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and 365 days a year.
In deciding to write The Magic of Making Up, author TW "T Dub" Jackson is rooting for the reader as they endeavor to get back together again with their ex. He also shares testimonials on what everyday people are saying with regards to their success from using this eBook. Some success stories include a husband successfully getting their wife to talk to them for the first time in over a year. This book has also been proven to work for long distance relationships as well with most couples reuniting and dating again, not to mention getting your ex propose to you.
Unlike other books which claim to provide guaranteed ways of bringing your ex-lover back into your life, The Magic of Making Up actually delivers on this problem. This eBook in this save my marriage today review equips readers with some rare secrets to enable them to prevent a break up or a divorce, and get their ex back - no matter how impossible the situation may seem. The author in this save my marriage today review contends that the techniques set out in this book are rather unconventional but they nevertheless work in getting your ex-lover back in your arms even if you are the only one putting in the effort.
It is quick, safe and reliable to get your hands on the eBook in this save my relationship review because all you need to do is click on the order button, place your order and download it to get started. The techniques outlined here are aimed at enabling readers to regain control of their love and life - and all for a mere $39. Various online payment methods are available including Visa, MasterCard, Diners Club and PayPal. This gives the reader instant access to The Magic of Making Up - 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and 365 days a year.
In deciding to write The Magic of Making Up, author TW "T Dub" Jackson is rooting for the reader as they endeavor to get back together again with their ex. He also shares testimonials on what everyday people are saying with regards to their success from using this eBook. Some success stories include a husband successfully getting their wife to talk to them for the first time in over a year. This book has also been proven to work for long distance relationships as well with most couples reuniting and dating again, not to mention getting your ex propose to you.
Senin, 10 Juli 2017
Relationship Therapy and Attachment Style: The Anxious Style
INTRODUCTION
People interact with each other in primary relationships through one of four Attachment Styles: These styles each have specific characteristics and vulnerabilities. Namely, they are the Secure, Anxious, Avoidant and Fearful-Avoidant. The last thee styles are all variations of insecure styles but manifest that insecurity differently. This article is a brief review of what to understand about the qualities of the Anxious individual and what to do if your Anxious attachment style is interfering with dating or relationship success.
As you read, keep in mind two things: First, no one is fully one style or the other. Most of us are somewhat one style or somewhat another style. Thank goodness. That gives us some wiggle room to work things out! Secondly, while we all probably have our basic style (Anxious or Avoidant), it's possible for the other style to emerge in response to the style of the person you've met. In other words, an Anxious person may find themselves retreating and looking more Avoidant if the person they met is more Anxious than they are. This is because both styles are insecure styles and are reactive to the anxiety each face with closeness and connection. We'll talk more about the Fearful-Avoidant style in another article.
PITFALLS OF AN ANXIOUS STYLE
Except for situations we'll describe below, people with an Anxious style tend to find someone they like and are quickly ready to proceed into a relationship. Their anxiety decreases when they are with their partner and increases when they are apart. This anxiety rises with even non-intentional "misses" such as calling later than promised or worse, not calling until the next day. They are often generous with their time and energy and accommodating to the needs of their partner. Having plans for the next get together is very important and they will feel anxious if their partner hasn't proposed something. They may make sure something gets scheduled or they may feel anxious to propose the next date, fearing they are putting too much pressure on the relationship and then wait anxiously on the other person to contact them. Perhaps one of the most distressing parts of the anxious person's experience is preoccupation with what I call "relationship review." Once the anxiety begins, rumination about previous conversations, assessments of how the last date(s) went, and worry that the speed at which they hope things could go may be driving their partner away. Further, they may forecast catastrophic futures about the relationship. This can be agony for the Anxious person. Do you remember the scene in the movie, "Flashdance," where the dancers were working out at the gym and one of them was obsessing about whether the man she met would call or not? That's what we're talking about.
The dating pool is disporportionately weighted with anxious and avoidant folks as the secure people are likely to wade out of the dating pool together. Hence, the chances are that an anxious individual will meet someone with an avoidant style. It's important to remember that these Attachment Styles are the ways our "Attachment System" works. Briefly, the "Attachment System" is thought to be a part of our genetic heritage, a part of us that is important for the survival of our species. Specifically, it is important that mother and infant have an attachment so that the mother is looking after the child and the child is fearful to be too far away from the mother. Such a bond increases the chances the child will make it to adulthood since human infants and children can't fend for themselves, unlike many other mammals. Out of many variables from our early attachment experiences, we develop a style that stays with us as the "way of the world." When two adults meet for a romantic partnership, their attachment styles interact and their "Attachment System" is activated. Here's where the Anxious person might get into trouble.
THE ANXIOUS AND AVOIDANT MEET
When an Anxious person meets an Avoidant person, the distance the Avoidant person tends to maintain can become a gap the Anxious one feels compelled to close. In terms of the Attachment System, the switch gets turned on and they go into full gear, sometimes thinking their preoccupation with closing this gap is indication of true love. In fact, some of those same neurotransmitters are involved in "being in love." However, this is one of the hardest things Anxious people deal with. They think that they wouldn't spend so much psychological energy on someone who isn't "the one" so it must be love. In fact, sometimes it's really an overactive Attachment System, switched into high gear by the Avoidant's distancing.
This phenomenon of anxious preoccupation can be worsened or made better depending on the behavior of the partner. Secure people can handle the anxiety of an anxious individual in such a way that the anxious one can feel more at ease and more trusting of the connection. However, an avoidant partner's need for "space," delivery of mixed messages, and dismissal of the Anxious persons legitimate relationship needs can perpetuate or worsen the preoccupation the anxious person feels. Not to mention, the pursuit that the anxious person engages in can contribute to further distancing and the well-known "pursuer-distancer' dance begins. This is the time the Avoidant person is likely to say that the Anxious person is too needy.
SUGGESTIONS FOR THE ANXIOUS INDIVIDUAL
Here are some important suggestions if you have an Anxious style and it is interfering with your relationships. First, acknowledge and accept your true relationship needs. Denying your needs and focusing too much on your partner's needs (i.e, "space" or "time" or going slower than is OK for you) doesn't get your needs met and if your needs aren't met, you cannot be happy in a relationship. For example, if you need to interact at least a bit with your partner no less than every day, let them know. It can be very frightening to state directly what you need but the kind of response you get is very important information. Don't fall victim to being told you're too dependent or needy. Assess people you date more on the compatibility of your relationship needs and less on your ability to change yourself to please and accommodate to them. If you feel you are, in fact, too needy, meaning you feel overly dependent on another person to be able to live your life, that would be an important issue to work on in your own therapy. However, that is different than being told by an avoidant person that normal needs for connecting are "too needy."
Second, recognize and rule out Avoidant people early on. Avoidant people tend to have some or all of the following characteristics:
They send mixed messages. For example, they tell you they really want to get together but something is frequently preventing this from happening or, they are very interested in you and only casually seeing someone else. Be careful. If you get too many mixed messages, move on.
They long for an ideal relationship. Remember that popular song by the Atlanta Rhythm Section, "Imaginary Lover?" Looking for the ideal person out there is a great way to discount the goodness in the person right in front of you. Not to mention, there is no "ideal" person out there. We all are less than perfect with less than perfect matches. Be careful not to think about how you might be able to become that ideal person for them, especially if they give subtle hints it will not be you. This is an example of adapting to them as opposed to honoring your relationship needs. The person who finds the "perfect match" is more likely a secure person who is overlooking the imperfections in another secure person.
They want to meet "The 1" but somehow always find some fault in another person or in the circumstances that make commitment impossible. "They're perfect but 'geographically undesirable'" is an example of something an Avoidant person might say. "I like everything about them but they like opera, and I hate opera!" might be another example. There is no "perfect 1" out there. We're all ".79" or ".82" or at best, ".89." It's in the rounding up to a "1" where the love happens.
They disregard your emotional well-being and when confronted about doing that, continue to disregard it. If you reveal your relationship needs and your partner's response is to restate why they can't respond to your needs (as opposed to considering how they might), there's a noticeable problem.
They suggest you are too needy, sensitive, or overreacting (thus invalidating your feelings and making you second guess yourself). Don't take this for too long.
They ignore the things you say that inconvenience them. If you said, "It would mean a lot to me if you wouldn't answer your phone during dinner" and they continue to answer or text, your needs are less important than they are saying. Also, this is how they are managing their anxiety about the connection with you. This would be one way they can set it up so you are only "so close."
If your messages aren't received despite your best efforts to communicate, take a step back and consider whether enough of your needs are being met to keep working. Remember, nobody's perfect and we all wish for a chance to amend our mistakes. But if the list of avoidant behaviors is too great, it may be best to let the person know and move on.
Third, date in a new way. Be your authentic self and use effective communication. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you're too needy and overly accommodate to your partners' need for distance. Also, don't avoid important conversations because you fear it will drive them away. First, you'll be happier being your authentic self and second, you'll know sooner (rather than later) whether this person is someone you can be in a relationship with. Probably the most "point-at-able" example is a woman with only a window of time for bearing children (or a man who wants to start a family too). It would be important for him/her to interview partners early on to see if they, too, wanted children. If he says he doesn't or isn't sure, it's best to keep looking. If having children is really important to you, don't waste your time trying to get them to change on such an important issue. You don't have to be harsh or judgmental, you can simply say how important it is to date someone also very interested in starting a family. In a similar situation, I remember talking with a woman who announced to her date that dogs were very, very important to her. If he didn't like dogs, that was OK but there would be no chance of anything moving forward. That's how she felt. Good for her for saying it. And good for him! He loved dogs too. They dated, married, and now they rescue and foster dogs all the time.
Fourth, realize there are plenty of fish in the sea. Give several people a chance without settling on one early on. Remember, Anxious people tend to think their chances are limited so they better grab the next possibility. The dating pool is disproportionately skewed toward Anxious and Avoidants but there are Secure people out there too. Keep looking until you find one.
People interact with each other in primary relationships through one of four Attachment Styles: These styles each have specific characteristics and vulnerabilities. Namely, they are the Secure, Anxious, Avoidant and Fearful-Avoidant. The last thee styles are all variations of insecure styles but manifest that insecurity differently. This article is a brief review of what to understand about the qualities of the Anxious individual and what to do if your Anxious attachment style is interfering with dating or relationship success.
As you read, keep in mind two things: First, no one is fully one style or the other. Most of us are somewhat one style or somewhat another style. Thank goodness. That gives us some wiggle room to work things out! Secondly, while we all probably have our basic style (Anxious or Avoidant), it's possible for the other style to emerge in response to the style of the person you've met. In other words, an Anxious person may find themselves retreating and looking more Avoidant if the person they met is more Anxious than they are. This is because both styles are insecure styles and are reactive to the anxiety each face with closeness and connection. We'll talk more about the Fearful-Avoidant style in another article.
PITFALLS OF AN ANXIOUS STYLE
Except for situations we'll describe below, people with an Anxious style tend to find someone they like and are quickly ready to proceed into a relationship. Their anxiety decreases when they are with their partner and increases when they are apart. This anxiety rises with even non-intentional "misses" such as calling later than promised or worse, not calling until the next day. They are often generous with their time and energy and accommodating to the needs of their partner. Having plans for the next get together is very important and they will feel anxious if their partner hasn't proposed something. They may make sure something gets scheduled or they may feel anxious to propose the next date, fearing they are putting too much pressure on the relationship and then wait anxiously on the other person to contact them. Perhaps one of the most distressing parts of the anxious person's experience is preoccupation with what I call "relationship review." Once the anxiety begins, rumination about previous conversations, assessments of how the last date(s) went, and worry that the speed at which they hope things could go may be driving their partner away. Further, they may forecast catastrophic futures about the relationship. This can be agony for the Anxious person. Do you remember the scene in the movie, "Flashdance," where the dancers were working out at the gym and one of them was obsessing about whether the man she met would call or not? That's what we're talking about.
The dating pool is disporportionately weighted with anxious and avoidant folks as the secure people are likely to wade out of the dating pool together. Hence, the chances are that an anxious individual will meet someone with an avoidant style. It's important to remember that these Attachment Styles are the ways our "Attachment System" works. Briefly, the "Attachment System" is thought to be a part of our genetic heritage, a part of us that is important for the survival of our species. Specifically, it is important that mother and infant have an attachment so that the mother is looking after the child and the child is fearful to be too far away from the mother. Such a bond increases the chances the child will make it to adulthood since human infants and children can't fend for themselves, unlike many other mammals. Out of many variables from our early attachment experiences, we develop a style that stays with us as the "way of the world." When two adults meet for a romantic partnership, their attachment styles interact and their "Attachment System" is activated. Here's where the Anxious person might get into trouble.
THE ANXIOUS AND AVOIDANT MEET
When an Anxious person meets an Avoidant person, the distance the Avoidant person tends to maintain can become a gap the Anxious one feels compelled to close. In terms of the Attachment System, the switch gets turned on and they go into full gear, sometimes thinking their preoccupation with closing this gap is indication of true love. In fact, some of those same neurotransmitters are involved in "being in love." However, this is one of the hardest things Anxious people deal with. They think that they wouldn't spend so much psychological energy on someone who isn't "the one" so it must be love. In fact, sometimes it's really an overactive Attachment System, switched into high gear by the Avoidant's distancing.
This phenomenon of anxious preoccupation can be worsened or made better depending on the behavior of the partner. Secure people can handle the anxiety of an anxious individual in such a way that the anxious one can feel more at ease and more trusting of the connection. However, an avoidant partner's need for "space," delivery of mixed messages, and dismissal of the Anxious persons legitimate relationship needs can perpetuate or worsen the preoccupation the anxious person feels. Not to mention, the pursuit that the anxious person engages in can contribute to further distancing and the well-known "pursuer-distancer' dance begins. This is the time the Avoidant person is likely to say that the Anxious person is too needy.
SUGGESTIONS FOR THE ANXIOUS INDIVIDUAL
Here are some important suggestions if you have an Anxious style and it is interfering with your relationships. First, acknowledge and accept your true relationship needs. Denying your needs and focusing too much on your partner's needs (i.e, "space" or "time" or going slower than is OK for you) doesn't get your needs met and if your needs aren't met, you cannot be happy in a relationship. For example, if you need to interact at least a bit with your partner no less than every day, let them know. It can be very frightening to state directly what you need but the kind of response you get is very important information. Don't fall victim to being told you're too dependent or needy. Assess people you date more on the compatibility of your relationship needs and less on your ability to change yourself to please and accommodate to them. If you feel you are, in fact, too needy, meaning you feel overly dependent on another person to be able to live your life, that would be an important issue to work on in your own therapy. However, that is different than being told by an avoidant person that normal needs for connecting are "too needy."
Second, recognize and rule out Avoidant people early on. Avoidant people tend to have some or all of the following characteristics:
They send mixed messages. For example, they tell you they really want to get together but something is frequently preventing this from happening or, they are very interested in you and only casually seeing someone else. Be careful. If you get too many mixed messages, move on.
They long for an ideal relationship. Remember that popular song by the Atlanta Rhythm Section, "Imaginary Lover?" Looking for the ideal person out there is a great way to discount the goodness in the person right in front of you. Not to mention, there is no "ideal" person out there. We all are less than perfect with less than perfect matches. Be careful not to think about how you might be able to become that ideal person for them, especially if they give subtle hints it will not be you. This is an example of adapting to them as opposed to honoring your relationship needs. The person who finds the "perfect match" is more likely a secure person who is overlooking the imperfections in another secure person.
They want to meet "The 1" but somehow always find some fault in another person or in the circumstances that make commitment impossible. "They're perfect but 'geographically undesirable'" is an example of something an Avoidant person might say. "I like everything about them but they like opera, and I hate opera!" might be another example. There is no "perfect 1" out there. We're all ".79" or ".82" or at best, ".89." It's in the rounding up to a "1" where the love happens.
They disregard your emotional well-being and when confronted about doing that, continue to disregard it. If you reveal your relationship needs and your partner's response is to restate why they can't respond to your needs (as opposed to considering how they might), there's a noticeable problem.
They suggest you are too needy, sensitive, or overreacting (thus invalidating your feelings and making you second guess yourself). Don't take this for too long.
They ignore the things you say that inconvenience them. If you said, "It would mean a lot to me if you wouldn't answer your phone during dinner" and they continue to answer or text, your needs are less important than they are saying. Also, this is how they are managing their anxiety about the connection with you. This would be one way they can set it up so you are only "so close."
If your messages aren't received despite your best efforts to communicate, take a step back and consider whether enough of your needs are being met to keep working. Remember, nobody's perfect and we all wish for a chance to amend our mistakes. But if the list of avoidant behaviors is too great, it may be best to let the person know and move on.
Third, date in a new way. Be your authentic self and use effective communication. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you're too needy and overly accommodate to your partners' need for distance. Also, don't avoid important conversations because you fear it will drive them away. First, you'll be happier being your authentic self and second, you'll know sooner (rather than later) whether this person is someone you can be in a relationship with. Probably the most "point-at-able" example is a woman with only a window of time for bearing children (or a man who wants to start a family too). It would be important for him/her to interview partners early on to see if they, too, wanted children. If he says he doesn't or isn't sure, it's best to keep looking. If having children is really important to you, don't waste your time trying to get them to change on such an important issue. You don't have to be harsh or judgmental, you can simply say how important it is to date someone also very interested in starting a family. In a similar situation, I remember talking with a woman who announced to her date that dogs were very, very important to her. If he didn't like dogs, that was OK but there would be no chance of anything moving forward. That's how she felt. Good for her for saying it. And good for him! He loved dogs too. They dated, married, and now they rescue and foster dogs all the time.
Fourth, realize there are plenty of fish in the sea. Give several people a chance without settling on one early on. Remember, Anxious people tend to think their chances are limited so they better grab the next possibility. The dating pool is disproportionately skewed toward Anxious and Avoidants but there are Secure people out there too. Keep looking until you find one.
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